dinsdag, augustus 24, 2004
dinsdag, augustus 10, 2004
zaterdag, augustus 07, 2004
Then came the tournament, here in town. A big national thing. And I decided to go and see. Watching on tv would be painfull, that was another thing ex and I used to do together, but going would be ok. In the newly opened pool supply shop I met a friend, who showed me her new cue and asked if I didn't want to compete in the tournament. Me? Play? No... A world of no. I could, I musn't. I had no team to be in to begint with.
The next day I meet my friend again. I have suddenly decided that I'll do it. I'll play. We go and retrieve my cue from under boxes and undust it. And, we plot the murder on my ex. Because, of course, the reason that I wasn't able to play for so long should be eliminated. So, not in any need to keep our voices down, we walk inside the club where the poolregistration is kept. And there he is. Ex.
Completely ignoring the restrictions of being in the same city as I am placed upon him by law, he's sitting there. Probabaly wanting to see the game himslef. Raging 'cos we want to kill him, maybe also 'cos I allready made it inpossible for him to compete by telling everyone how he abused me, he goes after us. We escape through the back door, over the fence, and head for the curch in which the tournament is held. And I feel wonderfull. I feel extatic. Even thought the best of Hollands players are there, I know I'm gonna WIN.
Is this my mind's way of telling me I should play pool again?
woensdag, augustus 04, 2004
zondag, augustus 01, 2004
On the other hand, of course, I know my way of thinking is absurd. That my 67 kilo's is quite normal, that a little fat in 25 year old females who had babies is not uncommon, and that I am not ugly or fat at all. And on the account of 'being normal' (as far as possible) I wanted to cut down on my 'weird behaviour' and that includes starving myself and wanting to be anorectic. So I quit it, got all my diet lists of the wall and started to eat more healty. Or well, I try.
Maybe the fact that I had not eaten today had anything to do with it, in any way, I stumbled on a peace on the Olsen twins in my TV guide. Mary-Kate seems to have anorexia. So, stuck home due to fear of strangers outside and even though I'm no fan (though Full House was OK in their days), I spent hours googling for the right foto. That one picture of her so skinny that was good enough to be on my log. That would show what I want, what I need, what I crave for, what I feel but will never have.
Of course I didn't find it. But the feeling of 'wanna wanna wanna' and 'why she?' has not went away...